A Time For Prejudice

July 2, 2010

A Time for Prejudice

Twenty minutes in, with all of the academic questions about ability, personality, and career aspirations out of the way, the interview was off to a swimmingly good start. The room was relaxed and the aspects of the position sounded ideal. Then everything went south.

My husband had been kind enough to drive me to the building the night before to make sure I knew where it was so I wouldn’t be late for the interview. That’s always a good practice. First impressions and all. Upon entering the neighborhood we noticed the interested stares into our vehicle, but it didn’t really faze us. At the stop lights, we noticed the cars around us bouncing up and down in rhythm to drum beats that were so loud they ate away at the brain and threatened to pull our hearts from our chests.

I was not deterred. God had set this interview up and even foretold it to me. I had to show up and I had to be completely willing to do whatever He asked of me afterwards. My heart was a complete peace.

When the moment came, it was comical to watch the two interviewers squirm in their chairs.

"I see you've done a great deal of research on this church and its mission, so I assume you realize that about 99% of the congregation, not to mention the neighborhood is African-American and you are Caucasian. Do you have any concerns about that?"

I replied, "Should I? I don't see why that should be an issue. Is there anything I SHOULD be concerned about?"

They looked at each other. "It's just that we have gangs in the area. It's not a nice neighborhood and we want to know if that would bother you."

I told them that I never equated the color of a person's skin with danger. But gangs in the area? Should I be concerned? My best defense was to analyze.

"How long has this church been up and running?"

"Ten years."

"And in that ten years how many incidents have you had?"

"Three."

The interviewers explained that the incidents were never service-related and not personal. However, they felt they needed to fully disclose the neighborhood atmosphere. I told them to look at me and tell me if a person looking the way I do should have concerns.

"Would I be walking around with a big bullseye on me just because of my color?"

"No,” they shared another look, “but again, full-disclosure.”

With what happened next you might have picked me up off the floor. It was too good a moment for them to pass up, I guess, because, “Lord knows we've been in that position many times, in reverse,” and then they actually high-fived each other across the table as their laughter spilled out into the empty sanctuary.

It was a fascinating feeling, to say the least. If I had walked into their office with my credentials and a much different origin, I have every reason to believe that I would have been offered the position.

My Father knows my comings and goings. He looked down through time and considered that particular moment and provided for it. I had told the Lord that I would go wherever He sent me and that if He was not in it, don’t send me.

Tests of loyalty happen every day in small and big ways. It was right to take God’s interview, but if I took it, I needed to trust Him through it because it might lead me further into the unknown and possibly down the road to my hurt.

I don’t think the two precious people across the table from me will forget me in a very long time. I hope they don’t. They certainly made a lasting impression on me. There is a time for prejudice for the sake of the Kingdom or for the sake of a mission or for the sake of life. When choosing a spouse or a dog or our next meal, we show prejudice. If I never have the privilege of seeing them on earth again, I will look for these two in the sky one day and thank them for that one moment and for their willingness to do what was right to do.

At The Cliff of My Faith Walk

At three o'clock this morning the Lord woke me. "Come away with me," He whispered. And, so I did. I climbed from my bed, closed the bedroom door so not to disturb my husband, and moved out to the front room. Far into our conversation and an hour later some truth splashed to the surface of my heart and the Holy Spirit compelled me to share it with you.

Where do I begin? What words do I pen first to make any sense of any of this? I believe I will start with the thought that I have not salivated enough over the love letters that Jesus gave to me. I’ve not been hungry enough for His affection and His direction. He never leaves me, nor does He forget me. It is I who does the glancing away and the tasting of the world’s fruits.

For as long as I can remember I have firstly desired what God has wanted for my life, sometimes painfully so. There is great reward in some types of sacrifice. A search for holiness and to please the Maker is one such type of sacrifice. I do not regret this desire.

However, in the journey, in the process of cutting away dead weight and extra baggage I believe I have also cut out some beneficial things in my life, such as friendships and community. If a relationship did not fit neatly enough into my desired world, if it took more effort than I felt I wanted to expend or caused too much pain, I simply cut it out. Just like that.

I've learned my lesson and wish to acknowledge that my 20/20 hindsight has cleared some obscure things up for me. I need you and you need me, for starters.

While it’s true that there are other things I might blame for my lack of friends, opportunity, and fulfillment, and have over my lifetime, if I really want to be honest, and I do, I must place my lack of attention to life’s Manual at the top of the list.

I can blame the deficiency of Bible studies, barbecues, and fire pit times on the lack of carpet in the house and the pervasive signs of a dog, to name two scapegoats, but add to it the fact that I have no money to correct this issue and that the children would be heartbroken if another home was found for the dog and you can see a common dilemma.

We say, “One of these days, we will get new carpet.” “One of these days we will have a Bible study.” When will one of these days come and why do the two need to go hand in hand? Why do we have to wait for the dog to be gone? Why should we allow ourselves to be put on hold like that? I have waited for years now and haven’t seen “one of these days” because of any number of life’s little surprises. That could be said for many contemplative endeavors in my walk on this planet.

Truly, it isn’t that I couldn’t afford new carpet if I wanted it badly enough. There are things I could sell or there are ways to piece squares together. Basically, “where there is a will there is a way.” If I wanted it badly enough, the Lord would supply it as He always has. There must be something else that stands between me and my higher dreams.

I’m inclined to believe that we will have to overlook the lack of carpet and the dog and just invite people over. Maybe in the movement forward we will find the carpet was just waiting to be dropped into our laps. Maybe the dog will mature and settle down. Perhaps it is all about the faith walk and looking back it will become clearer.

Granted, there are probably a lot more people out there who have our issue than who don’t, so when I consider the alternative of inviting no one over, I am left with the realization that I am a prideful and selfish person. There is really no way around it. To stay in this state of thought will lead me to a lonely and pitiful end to my life.

Let’s be kind and give me some leeway, for to say that my motives are completely prideful and selfish could be a slight distortion of the truth. Let’s take a look at my humanness for a moment before we make any rash decisions.

"It’s for the good of others that I keep them out of my house." Surely, I can make my brain believe that I’m only thinking of what the neighbors would have to endure on the other side of the threshold. I am doing others a favor to not invite them over. After all, why should they find out how I really live? They wouldn’t look at me the same once they stepped inside my door and where would that leave me? Then all of my efforts to have friends and to share Jesus and to be an encouragement would end before it really started.

“Maybe it’s better to wait for new carpet,” I tell myself. I’ve met people that although at first glance they appeared to be good friend stalk, I found they openly judged me but knew nothing about me. “Why add fuel to their fire?” flashes through my mind.

Ah, then if in my psycho-babble my thoughts are of what would become of me and not of what would become of my friends, let me openly recognize the deeper truth. This means that my motives are questionable at best. We could be onto something here. You see, it helps to process things together. It is written, “There is wisdom in many counselors.” You haven’t even said a word and already you’ve helped me to see myself from a different angle. Not necessarily a preferred angle, but a wise and honest angle. Yes, I feel the pain of healing and know that this is healthy and right.

I do plan to get new carpet and invite people over, but this is a "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" debate.

I stand at the cliff more days than not with a mental list of people that I would like to invite over for tea or a barbecue or a bonfire. You may just be on it. Sorry for the lack of communication up to this point. But before the invitation pours from my mouth or is placed in the mail my personal checklist of what I lack jumps in front of my eyes, my head drops toward the ground. The cliff is too high and the damage too great if I fall. My shoulders dip low along with my self-esteem and I slink away from that cliff unsatisfied and quite sad.

What will it be like to soar from that cliff with confidence and where will it take me once I find the courage to let my feet leave the ground? Where is that girl that I dream to be? She’s right there in the mirror when I stop to look deep enough. She’s in my dreams at night, sometimes even in the light of day, but not so anyone else would notice.

I blame no one but me. The same words used in the Garden of Eden zip through my brain, just as I am convinced they do through yours occasionally. “Did God really say…?” Why should Satan change tactics when he has the most effective one-liner ever? "Did God really say that He would lift you up?" "Did God really say that you would soar on wings like eagles?"

It wasn’t until I began to recognize the pattern of lack in my life that I began to hear those words almost so clearly now that it is as if someone verbalized them to my face.