It Doesn't End With I Do and Amen

June 29, 2010

My husband’s birthday celebration turned into a birthday weekend. I like those better. Much more can be gleaned in the relationship over a 3-day stretch of “it’s all about you” than just 24 hours, I always say. In fact, why not make it a lifetime of “it’s all about you?” Now you’re talkin’.

When my honey and I were married not five years yet, someone asked us each the greatest source of stress in our lives. I paused and breathed out slowly and quietly that it was the man sitting next to me, my husband. There wasn’t any way for me to know how he would react. Would he be angry or hurt or laugh at me? Would I live a life of quiet solitude for a day or two? It was hard to speak out that truth, but the object of the conversation was to open us up to each other. To do that, we needed to face truth. With a painful jab to my ego and yet to my relief, I learned that day that I am my husband’s greatest source of stress, too.

While painful to get the words to materialize on the other side of our lips that day, the act of it freed us to move forward in one motion, not two. There was an immediate choice presented to grow distant and silent or to attempt to sync our efforts for our future. We chose to sync.

Private vehement disagreements are usually due to lack of understanding. We don’t want to lose each other. Each of us simply wants our own way, to have the last word, and to be right.

Since that eye-opening meeting so many years ago, the precious man that God gave me to and I have worked hard to not hurt each other. There had to be an “us against all of you” kind of mentality until our legs were stronger. Our efforts didn’t stop with the epiphany of our source of stress. Secretly, we already knew where our stress flowed from. That was the day it was brought to the open and shouted from the rooftop. That was the day our relationship took a stronger turn. We came from that meeting with a better understanding of what drives each other forward and what will shut each other down. What trigger words or actions will stop each of us in our tracks and what is in our past that a trigger is connected to. Now we can help each other become who each of us wish to be.

It’s not about me. It’s all about you. Something you already knew, right?

We work to round off the sharper angles of our relationship and we do it together. It’s a daily practice like stepping off a curb to cross the street. When we practice small steps of truth together, we find life’s high cliffs aren’t quite so scary. I can trust the man beside me because he has proven to me that I can. The same goes for his trust in me.

The first step of faith was a toughie. The second was not much easier. But over time I’ve learned that the man I promised to serve is faithful and true and has my best interest at heart. I've seen him faithfully seek out the Maker’s opinion so when he says it’s time to jump, it most likely is. Together we fix our eyes on Jesus and don’t look down.

It takes a lot of work to make one clock keep true time, let alone two. Put two clocks side by side and try to sync their rhythm exactly. Though you be a master clockmaker, it can be a frustrating task. Even if the clocks were the same shape, size, style, make, year, and color it would not make syncing them any easier. The complex variables on the inside can change everything. The outside elements can affect it, too. Drift down the Salmon River between Oregon and Montana and try it. Now you are dealing with two different and sometimes very mixed up time zones that crisscross one another.

Out of sync by an hour, a minute, or a second is still out of sync and eventually you grow apart. The Master Clockmaker designed you for communication. He is fully aware of the variables and can sync you together in ways you never dreamed possible. Be willing to hear those words that you are someone’s greatest stress. Be honest and loving for the sake of the relationship. Be willing to work on your part. Stop trying to learn that other person. Help your friend to understand you better. It’s easier to savor a relationship one bite at a time than to try to swallow the whole chunk at once. The Creator intended for relationships to move freely, with life in mind, to reveal His character in them.

Praise God that He loves us individually right where we are, no matter where we are. He chose you individually and He will communicate with you anytime for any length of time. Conversation with the Master Clockmaker doesn't have to end with amen.

More Curious With Every Step

Hey! Today is my honey’s birthday and I want to begin by wishing him a very happy and fulfilling day! Darlin’, you are a mighty warrior in Christ and a great priest for our home. Thank you for caring for those entrusted to you with such diligent attention. I love you and appreciate that Father would place you in my life so many days ago. I am blessed.

Okay, people, last Sunday the Holy Spirit told me that someone would be calling this week to offer me a position at another church. I questioned Him as to how that would affect my ministry at my home church and He assured me that it wouldn’t. I couldn’t guess how that could be, but I know His voice and He’s never lied to me before. I gave my husband the information and He and I prayed about it. I’ve been out of an outside job since January 15, 2009 and the income would be welcomed.

The following day I received a message on my home message machine from a woman I’ve never met before. She requested I contact her right away about a position she felt I would be perfect for. I returned her call and left a message on her voice mail.

When she reached me on Tuesday I was a little befuddled. She told me that she had found my resume on a website that I’ve never placed a resume on. She told me that although my resume showed no administrative assisting experience whatsoever, there was one item that did stick out to her, my experience working as an associate pastor.

Hmmm… Very curious, I told her, that you say you took my resume from a website that I never placed it on and even more curious that you find no administrative assisting experience on it, when that is most all I’ve ever done. I know God has a sense of humor and He knows my sense of adventure. Okay, I bit. I e-mailed my true resume over to her and she told me that she was right to believe I am perfect for the job.

An interview was set up for today, Friday. The woman told me that it is not normal that we not meet face to face before I interview, but she really felt this was right. I’ve accepted the interview invitation from the church, but this by no means implies that this job is my future. The Lord only said that someone would ask me and He has fulfilled what He said would be. This walk is not over. It is a matter of being trusted in little steps. It’s just another bend of obedience in my faith walk. I get more curious with every step. Don’t you?

At The Cliff of My Faith Walk

At three o'clock this morning the Lord woke me. "Come away with me," He whispered. And, so I did. I climbed from my bed, closed the bedroom door so not to disturb my husband, and moved out to the front room. Far into our conversation and an hour later some truth splashed to the surface of my heart and the Holy Spirit compelled me to share it with you.

Where do I begin? What words do I pen first to make any sense of any of this? I believe I will start with the thought that I have not salivated enough over the love letters that Jesus gave to me. I’ve not been hungry enough for His affection and His direction. He never leaves me, nor does He forget me. It is I who does the glancing away and the tasting of the world’s fruits.

For as long as I can remember I have firstly desired what God has wanted for my life, sometimes painfully so. There is great reward in some types of sacrifice. A search for holiness and to please the Maker is one such type of sacrifice. I do not regret this desire.

However, in the journey, in the process of cutting away dead weight and extra baggage I believe I have also cut out some beneficial things in my life, such as friendships and community. If a relationship did not fit neatly enough into my desired world, if it took more effort than I felt I wanted to expend or caused too much pain, I simply cut it out. Just like that.

I've learned my lesson and wish to acknowledge that my 20/20 hindsight has cleared some obscure things up for me. I need you and you need me, for starters.

While it’s true that there are other things I might blame for my lack of friends, opportunity, and fulfillment, and have over my lifetime, if I really want to be honest, and I do, I must place my lack of attention to life’s Manual at the top of the list.

I can blame the deficiency of Bible studies, barbecues, and fire pit times on the lack of carpet in the house and the pervasive signs of a dog, to name two scapegoats, but add to it the fact that I have no money to correct this issue and that the children would be heartbroken if another home was found for the dog and you can see a common dilemma.

We say, “One of these days, we will get new carpet.” “One of these days we will have a Bible study.” When will one of these days come and why do the two need to go hand in hand? Why do we have to wait for the dog to be gone? Why should we allow ourselves to be put on hold like that? I have waited for years now and haven’t seen “one of these days” because of any number of life’s little surprises. That could be said for many contemplative endeavors in my walk on this planet.

Truly, it isn’t that I couldn’t afford new carpet if I wanted it badly enough. There are things I could sell or there are ways to piece squares together. Basically, “where there is a will there is a way.” If I wanted it badly enough, the Lord would supply it as He always has. There must be something else that stands between me and my higher dreams.

I’m inclined to believe that we will have to overlook the lack of carpet and the dog and just invite people over. Maybe in the movement forward we will find the carpet was just waiting to be dropped into our laps. Maybe the dog will mature and settle down. Perhaps it is all about the faith walk and looking back it will become clearer.

Granted, there are probably a lot more people out there who have our issue than who don’t, so when I consider the alternative of inviting no one over, I am left with the realization that I am a prideful and selfish person. There is really no way around it. To stay in this state of thought will lead me to a lonely and pitiful end to my life.

Let’s be kind and give me some leeway, for to say that my motives are completely prideful and selfish could be a slight distortion of the truth. Let’s take a look at my humanness for a moment before we make any rash decisions.

"It’s for the good of others that I keep them out of my house." Surely, I can make my brain believe that I’m only thinking of what the neighbors would have to endure on the other side of the threshold. I am doing others a favor to not invite them over. After all, why should they find out how I really live? They wouldn’t look at me the same once they stepped inside my door and where would that leave me? Then all of my efforts to have friends and to share Jesus and to be an encouragement would end before it really started.

“Maybe it’s better to wait for new carpet,” I tell myself. I’ve met people that although at first glance they appeared to be good friend stalk, I found they openly judged me but knew nothing about me. “Why add fuel to their fire?” flashes through my mind.

Ah, then if in my psycho-babble my thoughts are of what would become of me and not of what would become of my friends, let me openly recognize the deeper truth. This means that my motives are questionable at best. We could be onto something here. You see, it helps to process things together. It is written, “There is wisdom in many counselors.” You haven’t even said a word and already you’ve helped me to see myself from a different angle. Not necessarily a preferred angle, but a wise and honest angle. Yes, I feel the pain of healing and know that this is healthy and right.

I do plan to get new carpet and invite people over, but this is a "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" debate.

I stand at the cliff more days than not with a mental list of people that I would like to invite over for tea or a barbecue or a bonfire. You may just be on it. Sorry for the lack of communication up to this point. But before the invitation pours from my mouth or is placed in the mail my personal checklist of what I lack jumps in front of my eyes, my head drops toward the ground. The cliff is too high and the damage too great if I fall. My shoulders dip low along with my self-esteem and I slink away from that cliff unsatisfied and quite sad.

What will it be like to soar from that cliff with confidence and where will it take me once I find the courage to let my feet leave the ground? Where is that girl that I dream to be? She’s right there in the mirror when I stop to look deep enough. She’s in my dreams at night, sometimes even in the light of day, but not so anyone else would notice.

I blame no one but me. The same words used in the Garden of Eden zip through my brain, just as I am convinced they do through yours occasionally. “Did God really say…?” Why should Satan change tactics when he has the most effective one-liner ever? "Did God really say that He would lift you up?" "Did God really say that you would soar on wings like eagles?"

It wasn’t until I began to recognize the pattern of lack in my life that I began to hear those words almost so clearly now that it is as if someone verbalized them to my face.